Jacqueline Friedrich: The Wine Humanist WINE BY PEOPLE, FOR PEOPLE; WINE FROM THE HEART

I don't know who wrote these but a friend forwarded them to me. Many made me laugh out loud. I hope they brighten you day and lighten your mood too.

There's a postscript: At the end of the text there's a haiku I write after having been challenged by a friend.

Herewith, the Jewish Haikus:


Beyond Valium,
peace is knowing one's child
is an internist.

On Passover we
opened the door for Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?

Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.

Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.

Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.

The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.

Like a bonsai tree,
is your terrible posture
at my dinner table.

Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.

The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.

The shivah visit:

so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.

Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.

Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.

Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.

Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?

Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!

Quietly murmured
at Yom Kippur services,
"Yanks 5, Red Sox 3."



A lovely nose ring,
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.

Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness.

And since we're in an Eastern mode, here' s some Jewish Buddhism
for the
Jewbu's among us:

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life;
with the first sip, joy;
with the second sip, satisfaction;
with the third sip, peace;
with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without
problems.
What would you talk about?



The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
single Oy.

There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life,
you never called,
you never wrote,
you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the
least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.

Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded
shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a
symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says,
Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says,
There is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.

Postscript:I sent the haikus to my old friend, the fine political journalist James (Jimmy) Gerstenzang.
We had been talking about the trade and, among other things, kvetching about deadlines.
He figured there must be a haiku in our ramblings and gave me the following words: "Deadlines, schmedlines," with the instructions that I add the following 12 syllables.

I got the challenge at 6:30 am with my first email check. Went back to bed and, of course, couldn't go back to sleep before writing:

Friends laughing at the bar
Gin, icy and searing
Deadlines, schmedlines


Jimmy answered:"That works. That really works. I guess you do your best work half asleep in the early morning. Which means: if you haven't accomplished your goal by noon, give up for the day. cheers."