My friend and frequent companion in sybaritic excess, Mary, sent me the following. I have a feeling it will go viral:
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Bordeaux in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
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Jacqueline Friedrich: The Wine Humanist WINE BY PEOPLE, FOR PEOPLE; WINE FROM THE HEART
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Jackiezine: Whatever is propelling the windmills of my mind. |
A young, attractive, quasi-urban -- aka modern-looking -- couple was chosen deliberately. She approaches as he is eating a slice of Lou Perac while his sheep graze. She says, "Is it for Lou Perac that you come this far?" He answers, basically,"You get the best milk from here and you need the best milk to make the best cheese."
She replies, "Sometimes I think you care more about your sheep than about me." He just looks at her. PLAYLISTNit-pickers snarked at Obama's having given the Queen of England an iPod. Turned out she asked for one. He filled it with videos of her trips to America. Knowing that "Oklahoma" is her favorite musical, Obama also gave the Queen a rare book of Richard Rodgers' music.
I posted this song for Maureen Fant because we refer to her husband Franco as "the lion" and when we're all driving somewhere in the car we usually end up singing the song. Franco usually starts it. And the reason the song came to mind is that MSNBC posted a clip from The Today Show with really cute baby lions on it. They played The Lion Sleeps Tonight in the background. Now I better do something serious -- like taste some chenin blancs.
Kind of fitting that Obama chose to quote lyrics from a depression-era song.
BTW, if you watch the clip to the end, when the second couple dances, you'll get an idea of my ballroom competence. LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE
Of the hundreds of email jokes about the election that have been sent to me, I think this is my favorite.
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Greetings from Poland!